RectorsPage - Holy Innocents' Episcopal Church

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

- Theodore Roosevelt, Paris, 23 April 1910

This is the seminal quotation from TR’s “Man in the Arena” speech delivered at the Sorbonne. It holds wide regard among scholars as his finest post-Presidential oration. While addressing citizenship in the secular civil body politic, this member of Christ Church, Oyster Bay comments well and accurately on life in the Church as well. He reminds us

-that our life of Faith is not a spectator sport

-that we are not in an advisory capacity to God or anyone else until we’re asked

(and God hasn’t asked recently so far as I can tell)

-and that idle talk, unasked advice and commentary, and criticism are cheap, as likely to be incorrect or counterproductive as not, and may be ignorant, mean-spirited and cowardly.

Our Faith invites us onto the dance floor with God, and it is better to step on His feet and follow awkwardly than not be there. Our Faith is expressed in action that would rather risk mistake than inaction assuring safety. Our Faith respects failed effort more than exquisite analysis. Our Faith invites us to live out of the best side of ourselves rather than waiting to remark when someone else doesn’t. Our Faith assures us that it is better to have striven and lost than to have hidden God-given resources for fear of losing them.

When those around you snipe….when they offer criticism meant to hurt you all the while veiling it in pious talk and earnest mien….when they ask a question in arched, measured tones, hoping to embarrass you, all the while innocently smiling….recall TR’s words. Be of good cheer. If you’re annoying such weak-minded and mean-spirited people, you’re probably in the arena.

The Collect for All Sorts and Conditions of Men comforts us:

“O God, the creator and preserver of all mankind, we humbly beseech thee for all sorts and conditions of men; that thou wouldst be pleased to make thy ways known unto them, thy saving health unto all nations. More especially we pray for thy holy Church universal; that it may be so guided and governed by thy good Spirit, that all who profess and call themselves Christians may be led into the way of truth, and hold the faith in unity of spirit, in the bond of peace, and in righteousness of life. Finally, we commend to thy fatherly goodness all those who are in any ways afflicted or distressed, in mind, body, or estate, especially those for whom our prayers are desired, that it may please thee to comfort and relieve them according to their several necessities, giving them patience under their sufferings, and a happy issue out of all their afflictions. And this we beg for Jesus Christ's sake. Amen.”

Love you. See you in Church.

FBC3+

Monnie Davis Mayes was my maternal grandmother. She thought and prayed much about contentment and gratitude. One of the aphorisms with which she man-smithed me was: “If you don’t like what you have, you won’t like what you want.” Today’s Post-it note from Singapore reminded me of her wisdom.

Contentment often is misconstrued as indolent, lacking ambition, and weak-minded…a pathetic, tepid settling for conditions as they evolve around us…simple-minded rationalizing about what we really want but don’t possess. The ways in which we frame our lives and raise our children make clear that continual upward striving, appearing critically expert and indispensable to the operation of the World, and having more of nearly everything are the measures of our lives. But, as is so often true, our capacity for self-deception and our imprecision in thinking derive these values, and they are, largely, false values.

Contentment is a mature value. It is inextricably linked with gratitude. Contentment, like gratitude, is learned, and way too many people never learn either. I think many if not most see what they think is missing from their lives, and miss completely what’s there. We let what we see dividing us frame our behavior and conversation, and miss entirely the things that unite us as partners, as families, as the Church. We live lives that are over-reactive, and that over-reaction almost always springs from the immature, discontented places in us.

When you focus on what you think is missing, and rationalize that with “Everything can be made better, and I just wanna work toward that,” you may be perpetuating a sickness in yourself. It is a contagious sickness that ruins others as surely as it ruins you. Striving is good and can be noble, but you won’t know it’s noble striving if you never rest, and acknowledge the Graces in your life. Until you can make a full stop, and permit a contented “Thank you” to be the entire sum and substance of your prayer, you will demonstrate to yourself and everyone around you that you haven’t a clue about abiding, Faithful contentment. As long as your life is lived “Yes, but” it will be a life lived proclaiming an ever-anxious and never-contented “No!”

God seems to enjoy you as a part of what He’s got…the data suggest in fact that God enjoys you enough to do whatever it takes- a Cross included, to enjoy having you…but the Cross comes out of love, not a desire for divine self-gratification.

Enjoy what you have- someone who loves you (God Almighty), the breath and health that are yours today (your life), and opportunity (the World)...and enjoy it enough to avoid constantly tuning it. Be content.

Love you. See you in Church.

FBC3+

Another great Post-it note…this one stuck to a column at the Link Hotel in Singapore.

The interpretive value we give to the results of any action influences all subsequent action, doesn’t it? After all, when we do something nice for someone, and it is well-received, ignored, or rebuffed, we are either encouraged or discouraged from trying it again. The meanings of words like “success,” “failure,” “praise,” and “blame” all make a difference.

In that vein, it is not simply the external valuations given to our actions that form subsequent action, but also the internal ones. It is important not only that our successes and failures be noted by others, but also that they be noted by ourselves. We don’t learn very much until we have internalized in useful ways the data our actions produce. The key is internalizing in “useful ways,” and that’s the point of this Post-it note.

Said another way, take the praise or the criticism that comes you way for what it’s worth, considering the source of it, and define the praise or criticism rather than being defined by it.

Love you. See you in Church.

FBC3+

There are emergency telephones on the Golden Gate Bridge- ‘phones like this one. This photograph of this particular ‘phone is chastening to all of us who have given our lives to serving other people….physicians, nurses, clergy, first responders, attorneys…a sign like this one gives us all the heeby-jeebies.

Yet, this is inevitable. There will come a time, if it has not already come, when we reach for help, and it isn’t where we look for it. We are steamed-up, keyed-up, messed-up, scared-to-death, feeling hopeless, or just plain stressed-out, and reach for crisis help only to find that The Doctor is: OUT.

When we’re in these crisis moments, we don’t read the fine print, and we don’t immediately think of our choices. After all, the choice we figure we’ve made was to seek help in a place where, as it turns out, it is not available. We don’t see the smaller print on the sign that offers an alternative, and we don’t look down the bridge to the next beam where another emergency ‘phone has been wired…and since we didn’t read the sign or look down the bridge, those choices are unavailable.

The “go-to” people in our lives will disappoint us. That confounds us, and hurts, because they are so dependable- so THERE- the vast majority of the time. This photograph reminds us that an inanimate object can break. It’s a short logical step to recognize that human beings are as, if not more, susceptible to failure than machinery.

Maintenance is key…for ourselves so we need emergency help less often, and for the emergency helpers, so they are able to "be there" as dependably as a human being can be.

Love you. See you in Church.

FBC3+

Dear People of God:

One of the great leaders of the 20th Century was a Rabbi named Edwin H. Friedman. Rabbi Friedman was one of those God-gifted persons possessing a sightedness far out-stripping the eye. His perceptions about communities of Faith have been for many years, and continue now to be, so precise and accurate that even after his death, Rabbi Friedman forms, educates and matures leaders.

I am grateful to be a student of the Rabbi, and careful to listen when he speaks. Ed Friedman’s work is an endless source of instruction, reproof, inspiration and guidance, and his clinical observations render not only good advice for leaders, but also much spiritual reflection for the community of Faith throughout the World, whatever the specific religion involved may be.

Friedman’s valediction to his students, the posthumously published A Failure of Nerve, observes:

“Madness cannot…be judged by strange ideas, outlandish theories, unpopular values, or even irrationalappearing beliefs…Madness has more to do with how people function in a relationship system than with the products of their intellect.” 1

He goes on to suggest that marks of true madness which are universal in any community or system (family, Church-Synagogue-Mosque, company-professional practice, nation-state) include:

Interfering with the relationships of others
Unceasingly trying to convert another to one’s own point of view, that is, willfully trying to coerce them (emotionally or physically) into changing their minds
Inability to relate to people who do not agree with you

Thank you, Rabbi.

Friedman makes clear that it is not our intellect but our relationships that defines human madness, and the litmus test for us is how well or poorly we maintain those relationships. Some of this we see immediately and clearly in our own experience: we all see and know the ways in which people attempt to sabotage things by “ interfering in the relationships of others.”2 Trying to excuse this destructive busy-body stuff by saying “That’s just how s/he is” is a cop-out, and we know it. We permit ourselves to be manipulated or bullied into saying, thinking and doing those things which we know to be wrong, hurtful, or destructive, and after a while, we just get used to it and eventually we become unconscious of it. These are patterns of thinking and acting that are laid down very early on in our lives, and we drag them into every community of which we are a part.

Friedman’s truth resonates in us when we recognize that conflict in relationships- be they marriages, families, parishes, dioceses, governments- almost always is rooted not in the specifics of the complaint at hand, but in the relationships… madness emerges not from our brains but from our hearts, not from our knowledge but from our fear, not from our well-protected opinions but from our anxiety.

Another name for madness as the Rabbi defines it is “Sin.” It is precisely what Ed Friedman describes as “madness” that Jesus died to thwart; the Lord’s Passion and Resurrection are His response to madness/Sin.

Easter is about God overturning the primacy of this madness/Sin in our lives. He does not kill the madness, but He does provide a way home- 1toward health and wholeness and maturity and Faithfulness- through the Cross.

As Easter comes upon us, take the time to pray and think and imagine how it is that madness/Sin are so subtle and omnipresent in us. Pray and think and imagine as well how great the gift is that God offers by responding to this madness/Sin with Resurrection.

Happy Easter. Love you. See you in Church

FBC3+

1 Friedman, Edwin, A Failure of Nerve, Bethesda, 1999, page 158

2 ibid

Sunset over Little Egg Harbor